Tips for Entertaining - Jokes
Martha Stewart Parody


Entertaining Tips, Advice, and Party Pointers

Things You Wish You'd Known
Before You Went Out into the Real World

1. Any and all compliments can be handled by simply saying "Why, thank you" (though it helps if you say it with a Southern accent).

2. Some people are working backstage, some are playing in the orchestra, some are on stage singing, some are in the audience as critics and some are there to applaud. Know who and where you are.

3. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.

4. When baking, follow directions. When cooking, go by your own taste.

5. Never continue dating anyone who is rude to the waiters and doesn't like dogs/cats.

6. You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.

7. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship "I apologize" and "You are right."

8. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

9. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.

10. The only really good advice that I remember my mother ever gave me was, "Go! You might meet somebody!"

11. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her - believe them.

12. I've learned to pick my battles; I ask myself, 'Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?'

13. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.

14. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!

15. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.

16. Knowing how to listen to music is as great a talent as knowing how to make it.

17. Work is good but it's not that important.

18. Never underestimate the kindness of your fellow man.

19. And finally ... Be really nice to your friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.






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Martha Stewart


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