Ask Martha Stewart

" ) if ( form.area[4].checked ) { win.document.writeln ( "

Last night we said a great many things. You said I was to do" ) win.document.writeln ( "the " + form.active.value + " for both of us. Well, I've done" ) win.document.writeln ( "a lot of it since then, and it all adds up to one thing:" ) win.document.writeln ( form.nouns.value + "." ) win.document.writeln ( "

I'm saying that because it's true. Inside of us we both know" ) win.document.writeln ( "your " + form.body.value + " doesn't belong here." ) win.document.writeln ( "If that plane leaves the ground and you and your " + form.animal.value + " are not on it, you'll" ) win.document.writeln ( "regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but " + form.future.value ) win.document.writeln ( ", and for the rest of your life." ) win.document.writeln ( "

Forget about us. We'll always have " + form.veg.value + "." ) win.document.writeln ( "I'm no good at being " + form.quality.value + ", but it doesn't" ) win.document.writeln ( "take much to see that the problems of three little people" ) win.document.writeln ( "don't amount to a " + form.object.value + " in this " + form.adj.value ) win.document.writeln ( " world. Some day you'll understand that." ) win.document.writeln ( "

Here's looking at you, kid!" ) win.document.writeln ( "

(Inspired by Casablanca)

" ) } else if ( form.area[3].checked ) { win.document.writeln ( "I'm a very smart guy. I haven't a feeling or scruple in the world." ) win.document.writeln ( "All I have is the itch for money. And " + form.veg.value + ". But mostly money." ) win.document.writeln ( "For twenty-five bucks a day and expenses," ) win.document.writeln ( "I do my thinking myself, what there is of it." ) win.document.writeln ( "I risk my whole future, the hatred of the cops, and my own " + form.body.value + "." ) win.document.writeln ( "I'm expected to say thank you very much, if you have any more trouble," ) win.document.writeln ( "I hope you'll think of me." ) win.document.writeln ( "

I do all this for twenty-five bucks a day, day in day out, like an old " + form.object.value ) win.document.writeln ( "that your " + form.animal.value + " dragged in." ) win.document.writeln ( "

Go ahead - tell me I'm no better than " + form.nouns.value + ". I've been called worse than that." ) win.document.writeln ( "What do you think I am - " + form.quality.value + "?" ) win.document.writeln ( "Now you offer me fifteen grand. How long will that last? Maybe till " + form.future.value + "." ) win.document.writeln ( "Then again, maybe not." ) win.document.writeln ( "

Do you think I'm going to take your " + form.adj.value + " money and walk away?" ) win.document.writeln ( "Think again, sister." ) win.document.writeln ( "

(Inspired by The Big Sleep)

" ) } else if ( form.area[2].checked ) { win.document.writeln ( "

Let me start by saying that the real truth is that I was betrayed and thrown and double-crossed." ) win.document.writeln ( "By you, by our friends across the street, even by my " + form.animal.value + "." ) win.document.writeln ( "It was all part of your " + form.adj.value + " conspiracy that made Watergate look like a " + form.object.value + "." ) win.document.writeln ( "

You can all sit there looking like a bunch of " + form.quality.value + " little " + form.veg.value + "," ) win.document.writeln ( "but you've got no sense of responsibility. I've emphasised over and over that this wouldn't last forever," ) win.document.writeln ( "and everything would have to" ) win.document.writeln ( "be accounted for. Soon. Maybe even as soon as " + form.future.value + "," ) win.document.writeln ( "though you wouldn't believe it, looking at you sitting there now." ) win.document.writeln ( "

It was a constant battle, always the same thing. Here I am, " + form.active.value + " for my life," ) win.document.writeln ( "only to get stabbed in the back whenever I turned it." ) win.document.writeln ( "You had no idea - none of you could even keep your " + form.body.value + " out of the " + form.nouns.value ) win.document.writeln ( "if you wanted to. Not that you did." ) win.document.writeln ( "

It was a disgraceful business, the whole thing. But I expected no better." ) win.document.writeln ( "

(Inspired by The Caine Mutiny)

" ) } else if ( form.area[1].checked ) { win.document.writeln ( "

I'm sorry I was in no mood to receive you last night. That was the " + form.animal.value + " in me talking." ) win.document.writeln ( "Did you come to tell me why you ran away? Well, you can tell me now - I'm reasonably " + form.quality.value + "." ) win.document.writeln ( "I got stuck with that " + form.adj.value + " box of " + form.veg.value ) win.document.writeln ( "- I think I'm entitled to know." ) win.document.writeln ( "

Was it because you couldn't stand the thought of always " + form.active.value ) win.document.writeln ( "like a " + form.object.value + "?" ) win.document.writeln ( "Well, I'm not " + form.active.value + " any more. I'm settled." ) win.document.writeln ( "Above a saloon and surrounded by " + form.nouns.value + "," ) win.document.writeln ( "it's true. But bring your " + form.body.value + " up some time." ) win.document.writeln ( "Oh, you might shake your head now. But you'll be there. I'm not saying you'll be there tonight." ) win.document.writeln ( "But come " + form.future.value + " - who knows?" ) win.document.writeln ( "

Walk up a flight. I'll be expecting you." ) win.document.writeln ( "

(Inspired by Casablanca)

" ) } else { win.document.writeln ( "

You'll never understand me, but I'll try once more and then" ) win.document.writeln ( "we'll give it up." ) win.document.writeln ( "When a man's partner is killed he's supposed" ) win.document.writeln ( "to do something about it." ) win.document.writeln ( "It doesn't make any difference what you thought of him." ) win.document.writeln ( "He was your partner - together we were like " + form.adj.value + " " + form.veg.value + "." ) win.document.writeln ( "

I'm a detective and expecting me to run criminals down and" ) win.document.writeln ( "then let them go free is like asking my " + form.animal.value ) win.document.writeln ( " to catch " + form.nouns.value + " and let them go." ) win.document.writeln ( "It can be done, all right, and sometimes it is done, but it's" ) win.document.writeln ( "not the natural thing." ) win.document.writeln ( "

I've no reason in the world to think I can trust you." ) win.document.writeln ( "For all I know, you're as " + form.quality.value + " as a " + form.object.value ) win.document.writeln ( ". I couldn't be sure you wouldn't decide to shoot a hole in" ) win.document.writeln ( "my " + form.body.value + " some day. Maybe even " + form.future.value + "." ) win.document.writeln ( "I don't like the idea of always " + form.active.value + " because of you." ) win.document.writeln ( "

I won't play the sap for you." ) win.document.writeln ( "

(Inspired by The Maltese Falcon)

" ) } win.document.writeln ( "
" ) win.document.close() } // --> Ask Martha Stewart - Advice on Relationships, Business, Romance



The Martha Stewart Party Collection...
Martha

Martha Stewart: Advice


Ask Martha Stewart

Martha Stewart loves to give advice on every conceivable subject.
Do you think that you're ugly, clumsy, and tongue-tied in social situations?
Would you rather be just ugly and clumsy?
 
Then let Martha Stewart, a big Humphrey Bogart fan, help you!


 Just enter a few magic words and the great Martha Stewart will help you out. 
An animal 
(e.g. lion)
An action word 
(e.g. running, laughing)
A vegetable, plural 
(e.g. carrots)
Description of a quality 
(e.g. noble, sadistic)
A part of the body 
(e.g. nose)
Some time in the future 
(e.g. tomorrow night, Saturday morning)
An adjective 
(e.g. happy, hungry)
Phrase describing an object 
(e.g. box of matches, pack of cards)
A noun, plural 
(e.g. sausages)

 


In what area of your life do you need Martha Stewart's (Bogie's) help? 

Relationships: I want a farewell speech. 

Money: I'm turning down an offer. 

Business: My employees are not working hard enough. 

Romance: I want to ask that special person out on a date. 

Crime Detection: I'm a private detective and the woman I love
has killed my partner and I want to turn her in to the police. 
 


 

Martha Stewart

 

There's much, much more where this came from!
Check out some of the other Martha Stewart zaniness

| The Odditorium | Martha Stewart Paparazzi Photos | The Stewies |
| Enter The Party | Do Lunch With Martha Stewart and Bill Clinton |
| Martha Stewart's Tribute to Star Trek | Martha in the Headlines |
| Back to Top of this Page | MrsMegaByte's Home | Martha Parody Links |

 

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