Home & Garden Humor
Martha Stewart Parody


Home, Garden, and Gardening Jokes

Two men were talking one day. "My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market garden," said the first man.

"So were you able to find some?" the second man asked.

"Well when I got to the market, I asked the gardener, 'These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?'"

The first man continued, "The gardener said: 'No, you'll have to do that yourself.'"

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job. "Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?" "Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times."

One spring morning, my husband and I were in the garden looking at the flowers he had just planted. As luck would have it, a bird flew over us leaving his calling card on my clean white shirt.

When I showed my husband, he didn't miss a beat and said, "You know, Dear, they sing for most folks."

I used to impale the heads of door-to-door sales people on pikes in the garden as a warning to others ... until I learned that it's bad Feng Shui.

This guy was watching television as his wife was out cutting the grass during the hot summer. He went out to ask his wife what was for supper.

Well, his old lady was quite irritated about him sitting in the air conditioned house all day, looking at the babes in the tight spandex, doing their exercises. She shot back at him, "Think of me as dead and do what you would do if I was."

So, he went back into the house and fixed himself a big steak, baked potato, and a large glass of iced tea. She walked in about the time he was finishing up and asked, "So you fixed something to eat? Where is mine?" To which he replied, "I thought you were dead..."






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Martha Stewart


More Gardening Jokes and Homeowner Humor

Garden Jokes | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | Vegetable Jokes | 5 | 6 |
Home and Homeowner Humor | 7 | 8 | 9 |


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