Home & Garden Humor
Martha Stewart Parody


Home, Garden, and Gardening Jokes

A man was having trouble getting his neighbor to keep his chickens fenced in. The neighbor kept talking about chickens being great creatures, and as such they had the right to go where they wanted. The man was having no luck keeping the chickens out of his flowerbeds, and he had tried everything. His flowerbeds were in a really bad condition.

Two weeks later, on a visit a friend noticed his flowerbeds were doing great. The flowers were beginning to bloom! So the friend asked him how he managed to keep the birds away. "How did you make your neighbor keep his hens in his own yard?"

The gardener replied, "Well, one night I hid a dozen eggs under a bush by my flower bed, and the next day I let my neighbor see me gather them. I haven't been bothered since."

A farmer's wife was at her lawyer's getting advice about a divorce. "He makes excessive sexual demands on me, Mr. Mayberry." "How do you mean?" asked the divorce lawyer.

"Well, Mr. Mayberry," says the farmer's wife, "this morning I was looking at the chickens, when he crept up behind me and had me from behind!"

"Chickens?" asked the lawyer. "Mrs. Smith, I didn't know you kept chickens." "We don't, Mr. Mayberry, we were at the supermarket!"

Everything I Need to Know I Learned From a Cow

1. Wake up in a happy mooo-d.

2. Don't cry over spilled milk.

3. When chewing your cud, remember: There's no fat, no calories, no cholesterol, and no taste!

4. The grass is green on the other side of the fence.

5. Turn the udder cheek and mooo-ve on.

6. Seize every opportunity and milk it for all its worth!

7. It's better to be seen and not herd.

8. Honor thy fodder and thy mother and all your udder relatives.

9. Never take any bull from anybody.

10. Always let them know who's the bossy.

11. Stepping on cowpies brings good luck.

12. Black and white is always an appropriate fashion statement.

13. Don't forget to cow-nt your blessings every day.

Q: What do you call a cow that has had a baby?
A: Decalfinated!






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Martha Stewart


More Gardening Jokes and Homeowner Humor

Garden Jokes | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | Vegetable Jokes | 5 | 6 |
Home and Homeowner Humor | 7 | 8 | 9 |


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