Home & Garden Humor
Martha Stewart Parody


Home and Homeowner Jokes

Actual Label Instructions and Product Warnings
Part I

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods. You have been warned...

On a Swedish chain saw:
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."

In a US guide to setting up a new computer:
"To avoid condensation forming, allow the boxes to warm up to room temperature before opening." (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)

On a packet of Sunmaid raisins:
"Why not try tossing over your favorite breakfast cereal?"

On a Korean kitchen knife:
"Warning keep out of children."

On a Taiwanese shampoo:
"Use repeatedly for severe damage."

On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavored milk drink:
"After opening, keep upright."

On a blanket from Taiwan:
"Not to be used as protection from a tornado."

On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids:
"Lie down on bed and insert poscool slowly up to the projected portion like a sword-guard into anal duct. While inserting poscool for approximately 5 minutes, keep quiet."

On a can of insect spray:
"Kills all kinds of insects! Warning: this spray is harmful to bees."

A different brand of insect spray:
"Kills flies, wasps, mosquitoes, midges, and other flying insects. Not tested on animals."

On an ocean buoy for determining the position of submarines:
"Protect from seawater."

On a packet of juggling balls:
"This product contains small granules under 3 millimeters. Not suitable for children under the age of 14 years in Europe or 8 years in the USA."

Seen on a camera:
"This camera only works when there is film inside."

On a can of windscreen de-icing spray:
"Spray works in sub-zero temperatures."

On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists:
"Remember, objects in the mirror are actually behind you. "

On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: "Fits one head."






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