How to Survive the Holidays - Holiday Humor

Halloween Jokes

Three vampires went into a bar and sat down. The barmaid came over to take their orders. "And what would you, er, gentlemen like tonight?"

The first vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood."

The second vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood."

The third vampire shook his head at his companions and said, "I will have a glass of plasma."

The barmaid wrote down each order, went to the bar and called to the bartender, "Two bloods and a blood light."

Q: Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
A: No body.

Q: Why don't witches ride their brooms when they're angry?
A: They're afraid of flying off the handle.

Q: How do you tell if a ghost is lying?
A: You can see right through him.

Q: What time was the Vampire's dentist appointment?
A: Tooth-Hurty (2:30)

Q: What do short-sighted ghosts wear?
A: Spectre-cles.

Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
A: Pumpkin pi.

A young boy dressed as a pirate captain knocked on the door of a house to get some Halloween treats. A woman answered the door and recognized that he was a pirate. "Where are your buccaneers?" asked the woman.

The boy replied "Under my buccan-hat!"

All eyes turned to stare as a gorgeous blonde walked into the costume party stark naked. The alarmed host rushed to intercept her. "Where's your costume?" he hissed through clenched teeth.

"This is it," she calmly explained. "I came as Adam."

"Adam?" her host exploded. "You don't even have a d***!"

"Oh, I just got here," she replied. "Give me a few minutes..."

Halloween | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | Thanksgiving | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 |
Christmas | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 |
| 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | Hanukkah | 18 |
Other Occasions and Holidays | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 |