Dining, Meal Time, and Restaurant Jokes

The restaurant where I took my two sons for a meal was crowded with fans watching a sporting event on television. A harried waitress took our order, but more than half an hour passed with no sign of her return.

I was trying to keep my kids from becoming restless when suddenly shouts of victory came from the bar. "Hey," commented my ten-year-old, "it sounds as if someone just got their food."

The Italian Who Dined in New York
(must be read with an Italian accent, preferably out loud)

"One day ima gonna New York to bigga hotel. Ina Morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say you no understand . I wanna to piss onna my plate. She say you better not piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch."

"Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone wanna fock. I tell her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch."

"So I go back to my room inna hotel and there is no shits onna my bed. Call the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tell me to go to toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna shit on my bed. He say you better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the man and he call me sonna ma bitch. I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: 'Peace on you.' I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch, I gonna back to Italy."

"A woman is suing McDonald's claiming she found a fried chicken head in her order of chicken wings. In response, a spokesperson from McDonald's said that was ridiculous, they don't put actual parts of chickens in their chicken wings."

- Conan O'Brien

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