Home, Garden, and Gardening Jokes

Once there was a beautiful woman who loved to work in her vegetable garden, but no matter what she did, she couldn't get her tomatoes to ripen. Admiring her neighbor's garden, which had beautiful, bright-red tomatoes, she went one day and inquired of him his secret.

"It's really quite simple," the old man explained. "Twice each day, in the morning and in the evening, I expose myself in front of the tomatoes and they turn red with embarrassment."

Desperate for the perfect garden, she tried his advice and proceeded to expose herself to her plants, twice daily. Two weeks passed and her neighbor stopped by to check her progress. "So," he asked. "Any luck with the tomatoes?"

"No," she replied excitedly. "But you should see the size of my cucumbers!"

There's one good thing about snow, it makes your lawn look as nice as your neighbor's.

I always thought a yard was three feet, then I started mowing the lawn.

Top Ten Signs
You Hired the Wrong Kid to Mow Your Lawn

10.He shows up with a pair of nail clippers and a Ziploc bag.

9. On the side of his mower you notice the stenciled silhouettes of thirteen cats 8. Stops frequently to nap inside the grass-catcher.

7. Always trying to impress you by stopping the mower blades with his head.

6. You notice him shoving the last of his clothes into the mulcher.

5. He's fascinated by the details of you home security system.

4. Stops every couple of minutes to smoke some clippings.

3. Somehow manages to mow the hood ornament off your Lexus.

2. Turns a goat loose and says he'll be back in three weeks.

1. No toes.

How do "Keep off the grass" signs get where they are?

"My neighbor asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden."

Q: What do you get when you cross a canary and a lawn mower?
A: Shredded tweet.

Garden Jokes | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | Vegetable Jokes | 5 | 6 |
Home and Homeowner Humor | 7 | 8 | 9 |