Home and Homeowner Jokes

The Homeowners Guide to Basic Tools

Hammer - In ancient times a hammer was used to inflict pain on one's enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict pain on oneself.

Screwdriver - The drink ordered at the local bar after you call in a professional repairman to undo the $500 in damage you did while trying to change out a light socket with your handy screwdriver.

Phillips Screwdriver - The bar drink that you order when the damage estimate is over $1,000. Contains twice the vodka.

Pliers - A device used to extend your reach the necessary few inches when you drop a one-of-a-kind screw down behind the new wall it took you two weeks to install.

Multi-Pliers - Contain a handy assortment of sharp and dangerous tools. Best left in it's leather sheath and worn on a homeowner's belt to increase testosterone levels.

Electronic Stud Finder - An annoying device that never goes off when you point it at yourself.

Halogen Light - A worklight that lights up your backyard with the incandescence of a football stadium, causing you to cast a heavy shadow over the area you're working on so that you need to use a flashlight anyway.

Cordless Drill - A device that lessens your chance of electrocution 90% over a standard plug-in tool.

Cordless Telephone - The handyman's 911.

Air Compressor - A mechanical device similar in principal to harnessing the power of your mother-in-law's nagging complaints and using the resulting airflow to blast old paint off the side of the house.

Chainsaw - Allows you to cut your way out of the shed that you accidentally built completely around yourself.

Vise Grips - A pair of helping hands that doesn't critique the job you're doing or offer advice.

Q: What happens if you put the Energizer Bunny's batteries in backwards?
A: He keeps coming and coming and coming...

Venetian blinds were first made by a shady character.

I can stand most kinds of housework, but vacuuming sucks.

Housework done properly can kill you.

No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

A smart husband buys his wife very fine china so she won't trust him to wash it.

Did you hear about the new household cleaner just on the market called "Bachelor?" It works fast, and leaves no ring.

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Garden Jokes | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | Vegetable Jokes | 5 | 6 |
Home and Homeowner Humor | 7 | 8 | 9 |