Jokes, Humor, and Trivia for the Martha Stewart Impaired

Miscellaneous Jokes, Humor and Trivia for the
"Martha Stewart Living Impaired"

More Terror in the Suburbs?

Anna Bowie, 25, was visiting her in-laws. She offered to go to the supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed the young woman sitting in the car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.

One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Anna's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Anna replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Anna refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Anna had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.

Further investigation of the scene revealed that a Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and a wad of dough had hit the young woman in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

... And, yes, Anna Bowie is a "natural" blonde.

The story goes that there was this Chinese lady married to a Caucasian in UK. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but she did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs.

The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know what to say, and so unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The lady got what she wanted.

The third day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. She brought her husband to the store. ...

Shame on you! What were you thinking? Her husband CAN speak English!

A customer at Gus' Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor's quick wit and intelligence. "Tell me, Gus, what makes you so smart?"

"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Gus replied, lowering his voice so the other shoppers wouldn't hear. "But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."

"You sell them here?" the customer asked.

"Only $4 apiece," replied Gus. The customer bought three.

A week later, the customer is back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and that he isn't any smarter.

"You didn't eat enough, " answered Gus. The customer went home with 20 more fish heads.

Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry. "Hey, Gus," he said, "You're selling me fish heads for $4 apiece when I just found out I can buy the whole fish for $2. You're ripping me off!"

"You see," remarked Gus. "You're smarter already..."

Party!