Jokes, Humor, and Trivia for the Martha Stewart Impaired

Miscellaneous Jokes, Humor and Trivia for the
"Martha Stewart Living Impaired"

The New Dictionary for Moms

BATHROOM: A room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self cleaning.

BECAUSE: Mom's reason for having kids do things which can't be explained logically.

COOK: 1) Act of preparing food for consumption. 2) Mom's other name.

DRINKING GLASS: Any carton or bottle left open in the refrigerator.

EAR: A place where kids store dirt. EAT: What kids do between meals but not *at* them.

EMPTY NEST: See "wishful thinking"

ENERGY: Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until asked to do something.

EXCUSE ME: One of Mom's favorite phrases, reportedly used in past times by children.

EYE: The highly susceptible optic nerve which, according to Mom, can be "put out" by anything from a suction-cup arrow to a carelessly handled butter knife.

FABLE: Story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.

FOOD: The response Mom usually gives in answer to the question "what's for dinner tonight?"

HAMPER: A wicker container with a lid, usually surrounded by, but not containing, dirty laundry.

HANDY WIPES: Pants, shirt sleeves, drapes, etc.

HANDS: Body appendages which must be scrubbed raw with volcanic soap and sterilized in boiling water immediately prior to consumption of the evening meal.

ICE: Cubes of frozen water which would be found in small plastic trays if kids or husbands ever filled the darn things instead of putting them back in the freezer empty.

I SAID SO: Reason enough, according to Mom.

JOY RIDE: Going somewhere without the kids.

KISS: Mom medicine.

LAKE: Large body of water into which a kid will jump should his friends do so.

MOMMMMMM!: The cry of a child on another floor who wants something.

When you feel neglected, think of the female salmon who lays 3,000,000 eggs, but no one remembers her on Mother's Day.

Party!