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Miscellaneous Jokes, Humor and Trivia for the
"Martha Stewart Living Impaired"
Contemporary Story of Creation
(author unknown)
In The Beginning, God created the Heaven and the Earth.
And the Earth was without form, and void,
And darkness was upon the face of the deep.
And the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this."
And so God created Man in His own image;
Male and female He created them.
And God looked upon Man and Woman
And saw that they were lean and fit.
And God populated the earth
With broccoli and cauliflower and spinach
And green and yellow vegetables of all kinds,
So Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
And so the Devil created McDonald's.
And McDonald's brought forth the 79-cent double cheeseburger.
And the Devil said to Man, "You want fries with that?"
And Man said, "Super-size them."
And Man gained five pounds.
And so God created the healthful yogurt,
That Woman might keep her figure
But the Devil brought forth chocolate.
And Woman gained five pounds.
And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."
And the Devil brought forth Ben and Jerry's.
And Woman gained 10 pounds.
And God said, "Why doth thou eatest thus?"
I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables
And olive oil with which to cook them."
But the Devil brought forth chicken fried steak
So big it needed its own platter.
And Man gained 10 pounds
And his bad cholesterol went through the roof.
And so God brought forth running shoes.
And Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.
And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote control
So Man would not have to toil to change channels
Between ESPN and ESPN2.
And Man gained another 20 pounds.
And so God brought forth the potato,
A vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced
The starchycenter into chips and deep-fat fried them.
And the Devil created sour cream dip.
And Man clutched his remote control
And ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.
And the Devil saw and said, "It is good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
And the Devil canceled Man's health insurance.
So God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken
And cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice.
And the Devil created light beer
So Man could poison his body,
While feeling righteous because he had to drink twice as much
Of the now-insipid brew to get the same buzz.
And Man gained another 10 pounds.
And Woman ventured forth Into the land of Godiva chocolate,
And upon returning asked Man, "Do I look fat?"
And the Devil said, "Always tell the truth."
And Man did.
And Woman went out from the presence of Man
And dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer,
East of the marriage counselor.
And the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this."
Adam to Eve before the guests arrived: Honey, did you
put my pants in the salad again?
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