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Miscellaneous Jokes, Humor and Trivia for the
"Martha Stewart Living Impaired"
If They Made Toasters...
If Timex made toasters... They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal
wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting.
If Fisher Price made toasters... "Baby's First Toaster" would have a
hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a Jack-in-the-box.
If the Franklin Mint made toasters... Every month, you would receive
another lovely hand-crafted piece of your authentic hand-crafted Civil
War pewter toaster.
If CostCo/Price Club made toasters... They'd be really cheap, as long
as you bought a six-pack of 'em.
If the NSA made toasters... Your toaster would have a secret trap door
that only the NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast
for reasons of national security.
If Sony made toasters... The ToastMan, which would be barely larger
than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently
attached to your belt. If Xerox made toasters... You could toast one-sided
or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The
toaster would jam your bread for you.
If Radio Shack made toasters... The staff would sell you a toaster,
but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build
your own toaster.
If IBM made toasters... They would want one big toaster where people
bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim
a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.
If Microsoft made toasters... Every time you bought a loaf of bread,
you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster,
but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster'95 would weigh 15000
pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough
electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your
kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how
light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate
your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate
Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the
good bread only works with their toasters.
If Apple made toasters... It would do everything the Microsoft toaster
does, but 5 years earlier.
If Oracle made toasters... They'd claim their toaster was compatible
with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you'd
discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension
was three years away, and that indeed the whole appliance was just blowing
smoke.
If Sun made toasters... The toast would burn often, but you could get
a really good cuppa Java.
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