How to Survive the Holidays - Holiday Humor

Christmas Jokes

A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store, looking for a unique gift for his wife. The manager tells him he has just what he's looking for! A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas Carols. He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird.

The man agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn't seem to be much for singing. The manager tells him to watch, as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter. The pet store manager lights the lighter and holds it under Chet's left foot. Immediately, Chet starts singing, "Silent Night."

The man becomes very impressed with Chet's singing abilities and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right foot. Chet now starts singing "Jingle Bells." The man says that Chet is perfect and that he'll take him.

He rushes home to his wife, and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately. He presents Chet and starts to explain his special talent. Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet's left foot and the bird sings "Silent Night" again. He then moves the lighter under Chet's right foot and again Chet lets loose with a round of "Jingle Bells."

The wife is terribly impressed, and with a mischievous grin, asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet's legs instead. Curious, the husband moves the lit lighter between the bird's legs, and the bird begins to sing... "Chet's Nuts Roasting On An Open Fire!"

In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me, though: The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.

At a "Quick Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You damn Yankees never do read the Bible!"

I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"

Halloween | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | Thanksgiving | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 |
Christmas | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 |
| 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | Hanukkah | 18 |
Other Occasions and Holidays | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 |