How to Survive the Holidays - Holiday Humor

Christmas Jokes

Mail Order Christmas

'Twas the week before Xmas, the sunlight was pale.
The presents I ordered are not in the mail.

The payments were made a full month in advance,
Or early enough to leave little to chance.

When what to my wandering mind should transpire,
But the prospect of tag via telephone wire
With an answering service who doesn't know squat,
And an outstanding check, and a balance of WHAT?

It's too late to hassle, and nothing else works.
I can't send a present, for dealing with jerks.

But if the mail-order will get the stuff here,
I'll try to have something in time for next year.

After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she assured him in her most scornful one. "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face."

"He's an arrogant, self-important jerk, piss on him!"

"You did. All over his suit, "Louise informed him. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him," said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday."

After her 90th Birthday, Marie found that shopping for Christmas gifts had become too difficult, so she decided to send checks to everyone instead. On each card she wrote, "Buy your own present," and she mailed them early.

Marie enjoyed the usual flurry of family festivities. Only after Christmas did she get around to clearing off her cluttered desk. Under a stack of papers, she was horrified to find the gift checks, which she had forgotten to enclose.

Halloween | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | Thanksgiving | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 |
Christmas | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 |
| 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | Hanukkah | 18 |
Other Occasions and Holidays | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 |