How to Survive the Holidays - Holiday Humor

Halloween Jokes

A couple was going to a costume party. The husband was unsure of what costume to wear. His wife was telling him to hurry or they would be late for the party. She was walking down the stairs from the bedroom, completely naked except on her feet were a big old floppy pair of boots. "Where is your costume?" the husband asked.

"This is it," replied his wife. "I am going as Puss and Boots," explains the wife. "Now hurry and get your costume on."

The husband went upstairs and was back in about two minutes. He also was completely naked except he had a rose vase slid over his penis. "What the heck kind of costume is that?" asked the wife.

"I am a fire alarm," he replied. "A fire alarm?" she repeated laughing. "Yes," he said. "In case of fire break the glass, pull twice and I come."

There's this man with a bald head and a wooden leg who gets invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem. A few days later, he receives a parcel with a note:

"Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head, and with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate."

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a really rude letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says:

"Dear Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg, and with your bald head, you will really look the part."

Now the man is really annoyed, since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, and he writes the company a REALLY rude letter of complaint. The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads:

"Dear Sir, please find enclosed a jar of caramel. Pour the jar of caramel over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a candied apple!"

During a dinner party, the hosts' two little children entered the dining room totally nude and walked slowly around the table. The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept the conversation going. The guests cooperated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening.

After going all the way around the room, the children left, and there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say, "You see, it IS vanishing cream!"

Halloween | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | Thanksgiving | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 |
Christmas | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 |
| 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | Hanukkah | 18 |
Other Occasions and Holidays | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 |