How to Survive the Holidays - Holiday Humor

Christmas Jokes

Twas a Night Before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed at the elves and threw down his list.

Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have good mind to scrap the whole works.

I've busted my ass for damn near a year.
Instead of "Thanks Santa" - what do I hear?

The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money - The reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.

And just when I thought that things would get better.
Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter.

They say I owe taxes - if that ain't damn funny.
Who the hell ever sent Santa Clause any money.

And the kids these days - they all are the pits.
They want the impossible ... Those mean little sh**s.

I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls ... Their arms, legs and heads.

I made a ton of yo yo's - No request for them.
They want computers and robots, they think I'm IBM!

If you think that's bad, just picture this:
Try holding those brats with their pants full of piss.

They pull on my nose - they grab at my beard
And if I don't smile, the parents think I'm weird.

Flying through the air, dodging the trees,
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees.

I'm quitting this job - there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.

There's no Christmas this year. Now you know the reason:
I found me a blonde - I'm going SOUTH for the season!

Love, St. Nick

Halloween | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | Thanksgiving | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 |
Christmas | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 |
| 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | Hanukkah | 18 |
Other Occasions and Holidays | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 |