How to Survive the Holidays - Holiday Humor

Thanksgiving Jokes

Things That Sound Dirty on Thanksgiving Day
But Aren't

"Talk about a huge breast!"

"Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist."

"It's Cool Whip time!"

"Whew, that's one terrific spread!"

"I'm in the mood for a little dark meat."

"Are you ready for seconds yet?"

"It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?"

"Just wait your turn, you'll get some!"

"Don't play with your meat."

"Just spread the legs open and stuff it in."

"Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?"

"I didn't expect everyone to come at once!"

"You still have a little bit on your chin."

"Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it."

"How long will it take after you stick it in?"

"You'll know it's ready when it pops up."

"Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!"

"How many are coming?"

"That's the biggest one I've ever seen!"

"Just lay back and take it easy ... I'll do the rest."

"How long do I beat it before it's ready?"

(Get your mind out of the gutter, and enjoy your Thanksgiving Day meal!)

"Proper turkey preparation is critical. According to the U.S. Department of Agriculture, more Americans die every year from eating improperly cooked turkey than were killed in the entire Peloponnesian War. This is because turkey can contain salmonella, which are tiny bacteria that, if they get in your bloodstream, develop into full-grown salmon, which could come leaping out of your mouth during an important business presentation."

- Dave Barry

Halloween | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | Thanksgiving | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 |
Christmas | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 |
| 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | Hanukkah | 18 |
Other Occasions and Holidays | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 |